Physicist, not a hippie
by feelslikeflying
Summary: Set right after 8x24


**Hey guys, this is my first fanfic ever, so i hope you'll like it :) Any comments welcome, cause right now i really don't know if i should continue this story or leave it one-shot!  
Also, English is not my native language so i'm sorry in advance for any mistakes!**

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing._

Sheldon just sat there transfixed. He couldn't figure out what just happened... Logic screamed one thing and intuition the other, and he was never a believer in intuition, but right now it was too strong, senses and hunches and feeling overwhelming him and somehow numbing out logic and thoughts.

Everything seemed kinda surreal and just blank... Logic tried to tell him weakly that this is just that - what she said - she needs time , and how much time can a person need to think something through? An hour or maximum a few, rationally thinking. You can't think of something for more than a few hours unless it's science, and relationships ? definitely not science. So logically speaking, 'i need time' can only mean one thing, that she needs a few hours. And what's so bad in thinking? Nothing. So how to explain this nagging feeling, the lump in his throat, and this feeling, this very real feeling like he's paralyzed and can't move? This just feels weird.

Sheldon felt this weird sensation like at that instant he started to feel his body more, and not in a good way. Most of his life he spent kind of oblivious to his body, not sensing it, in the best way possible, and that was perfectly convenient, and perfectly fine. But now... His body hurt, like literally hurt, and it was hard to inhale... He tried to inhale deeply but somehow the breaths kept being shallow... Perhaps that's why people smoked in the moments of distress, he thought, the cigarettes helping them to inhale deeper...

He rose from his chair and went to sit in his spot on the couch. He pulled his legs up and embraced them with his arms. He rarely sat like that, but he rarely felt like that too... Last time he remembered sitting like this and feeling this shock was when professor Proton died... He realized now. Shock. That's what he's been experiencing... Everything seemed surreal, and double surreal, and just didn't make sense. He vaguely registered that he probably needs his friends around now, Leonard and Penny, because he's in no shape to adequately estimate how he's feeling, and what he's doing, and if he's just sad or feeling physically bad with this inability to breathe and inability to move... But they were not there. So he was just hoping... That he's gonna be physically alright. That's how it was for now... He was so much in shock that it even killed the ever-present self-preservation instinct that ruled his life... He felt so clear that he needed their support now, SOMEONE's support ; someone's care or hug (hug?..); someone's PRESENSE... just not this silence... yet he was so tired and everything was so blank that he couldn't manage to find the strength to worry about it. He is alone and he'll have to process that alone...

Half an hour passed, that felt simultaneously like 1 minute and 5 hours, and he felt the color return and the sounds return, and he could breathe better. He got up and went to the kitchen to get some cold water to drink. So that's how it was, Sheldon thought... He was gonna process that alone, because there was no other way. It's like it was supposed to be this way. It probably was.

It was about time honestly that he grew up. He could feel it in his pores, lately, that it was make it or break it , that it was all connected, that his reluctance to grow up in all ways was connected with that. He avoided pain. He didn't want to feel it. He didn't want to feel any deep emotions, really, because life was so much easier and more joyful that way. But he started anyway. He allowed himself to grow so much and even feel love, maybe not all-consuming, not full-on and not crazy and passionate, but that was love, and it was a huge breakthrough for him, to accomodate another person in his life like that. Pain however .. He hasn't felt pain for a long time, if he was talking about true pain, so long... Probably since Pop-pop's death... It's like a part of him died that day too, and he just shut himself off. But now, since he allowed himself to feel so many other things lately, good things, positive things, the capability of feeling deeper pain and loss was also coming back... And he got this nagging feeling that if he allowed himself to feel now, it's gonna be so strong, and it's gonna hit him like a tidal wave, full force...

But like with many other things, the decision within him was made. Sheldon really didn't understand why all his friends thought he was incapable of change and that all his decisions were run by logic... It is true, most of them were. But his innermost principles were still run by feelings. Like he's told Amy once "when i have a feeling, i know it", and that's how it was. When he had a feeling, he knew it, and he would alter the whole paradigm of his principles to fit the feeling, almost not looking back... And that's what was happening now... He knew this feeling all too well. All his intellect and all his principles inside him screamed no, pain doesn't exist, pain's not there, pain's for hippies, it's their invention, listen to your logic instead and shove intuition down into some deep corner. And so he wanted to. But he FELT as clear as day at that moment that he's grown... No matter how much he didn't want to, he's grown. And that it was time to let EMOTIONS and feelings in his life... confusing as they may be... And not shut himself off. So with that , Sheldon sighed, and inhaled deeply, and allowed himself to feel all of the implications of what has just transpired, with that 2 minute skype call.

So Amy said she needed time... Evaluate the relationship... Time to be away from him? That just didn't make sense... He went back to the couch and set in his spot. So what did that mean? And what did she want? He lost the connection comletely... They are kissing... It's in the middle of date night, not in the end, and he even has his hand on her thigh, took a lot of courage from him, and she MUST know a lot of affection, otherwise he wouldn't do that... A year ago that would have been unthinkable... And he would never touch anybody else like that... He is kissing her, wanting more, maybe she's even feeling he's wanting more, in any case she must be happy, and then he's thinking about the Flash, because he loves Amy, and he also loves the Flash, how is it weird to think about 2 things you love at the same time? Or kiss one thing and think about the other? It's as logical as it's intuitively right...

The more he thinks about it the more it just doesn't seem right. Yeah, he got this awful feeling at first, that it's over. That something truly monumental happened, and something precious ended. But that can't be right. That just couldn't be. Cause it doesnt make sense... This nagging feeling doesn't make sense. He loves her, and he's happy. She loves him , and she's happy. He doesn't understand what she wants to evaluate, but it must be something minor. She can't be contemplating being away from him for long. Their relationship is the center of their entire universe... He only lately admitted that to himself, but he felt complete with Amy in a way he hasn't been before. Not in an overly dramatic and passionate and hippy-dippy way; it's not that being with her he felt anything special, like fireworks - he just felt... complete. Like everything was where it belongs. Cosy. Warm. At home. More balanced... While before all his life he felt good, he only now realized he felt tensed then also, and only with Amy's presence, that tension disappeared . With her he could be 100% himself. 100% trust. It was worth a lot... It was worth everything.

Sheldon felt his brain stuck in one place. He couldn't figure out what was happening, yet he felt that something (big) wasn't right... But he couldn't figure out what. Couldn't feel what and didn't want to analyze what. He didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to think about something bad. He would sleep, and then, in the morning, with a clear head, he would think more about it, when he's well-rested... Now he's exhausted.

He got up and went back to the kitchen, taking a can of diet coke out of the fridge. He slowly drank it, and the sweetness of it instantly made him feel better... at least a little bit. Gave him some strength and positivity... The power of a beverage, even a cold one, to make one feel better in a moment of distress, was undeniable.

Yeah he should sleep... He's gonna think tomorrow.

He was tossing and turning in his sleep. It was the night of the Prom... Amy looked beautiful in that dress.. That was the first time he actually seriously considered having coitus with her someday. He thought of that before, since the train kiss, but it was mostly weak urges mixed with strong thoughts of freaking out and denial. The balance kept progressively shifting every week though. The urges kept getting a little stronger every day, every week, especially after Date Night, and the freaking out and denial kept getting a little weaker.

But that night... The moment when he saw her in that dress, it all suddenly became very real. He just felt like it COULD be happening, he imagined coming close to her, that moment, outside of his door, after "I really did think you looked pretty", putting his hands on her waist and locking him on her back, embrace, first a slow embrace cause even that their relationship was lacking, they barely ever hugged, barely ever truly hugged, at least a hug where he would be an active participant. So he would really hug her and feel her body align with his. He imagined running a hair through her hair and just touching it like that. Touching her hair felt nice. There was something about her hair honestly and the feeling of it run through his fingers. He imagined pressing his cheek to her hair. And he didn't do it, but they exchanged ' i love you's that that night, so it all was well.

Then the dream changed. It was no more reminiscence but something very new... The heat, and the fire, was strong. Sheldon felt her lips on his lips, and his hands on her back and the back of her head, and the touching frantic . Too much heat and too much tension in his hips... And were they... naked ?... They were. Sitting naked on his bed and making out, breathing heavy. It felt good, SO good, but probably it was too much for his subconcious, though, cause next moment he saw them dressed. And the energy became lighter, tension gone, and it felt so, so real, so much like what's been happening with them in real life lately.

He moved closer to her, looking in her eyes. She looked back at him with love and passion , and he closed his eyes. Slowly, he felt Amy's lips on his... He smiled and moved even closer to her, stroking her arm with his fingers while kissing her. It was so easy and light, to be with her that way. He was running his fingers through her hair and stroking her collarbone, and he took her hand in his, entwining their fingers together. It didn't feel romantic, so no condemnatory internal monologue followed. It was good to be asleep...

He rolled on his back and took her with him , rolling her on top of him. She laughed. He thought if sex was like that, it wasn't that bad. So easy. So light. Like comic books. Suddenly the energy changed... Amy smiled at him and started kissing him again, taking his bottom lip between hers and sucked on it... And that felt, just different. He felt like all of the air has disappeared from his lungs, and all he could feel was that he needed more, more of her body across his, a stronger kiss, and just more of the melting into each other. Sheldon moaned and didn't recognize himself, and he knew he should have freaked out, but there wasn't energy for it, all his energy was elsewhere. He moved his hips against hers intuitively to feel much needed friction and it felt crazy. Never in his life he felt so good... He put his left hand on the back of Amy's head and pressed her a little bit closer to him, to make the kiss deeper. She moaned and nibbled on his bottom lip. He knew at this moment there wasn't a single thought in his head... Just senses. What a relief not to have a single thought in your head for once.. No judgmental dialogue, no shyness, no religious conditioning, nothing... Just the feeling of the weight of her body on his. It felt so goddamn good... He wanted her to touch him and she did. Brought her hand to his hips and touched him, smiling lightly, making his eyes roll back. That felt so, so, so good. There wasn't really... anything like that, any feeling like that in life. Not from Lego. Not from Star Trek. Unfortunately all of the lower class people with IQs average at best were right... Sex WAS good. Simple biology. But so freaking good it's ridiculous. Probably prolonged exposure to Penny has dumbed him down... that must be it. But who knew that dumbing yourself down feels so good... If he knew that before, would he have done it sooner?

The question has faded as Amy kept stroking him and the kiss got deeper. The sensations heightened... It's like there was a zoom in, only not visual, but sensual, and he gasped. Suddenly he was feeling and experiencing everything 10 times stronger... Her lips on his lips. Nibbling on them, and her tongue grazing his upper lip. Her hands on his shoulders and on his bare chest ... Making him shiver. Her breasts pressing against his chest... Driving him mad. And the weight of her body on his was so real... And it was so warm, so, so warm, and so good, to have her above him like that. Then she kissed him harder... Deeper, he could feel her tongue trying to get access to her mouth and he let her... That felt pretty good. There was something so special and so intimate about letting somebody inside your body like that... Especially someone you love. Then it hit him full force... That was Amy. That was her here in bed with him, touching him, pressing up against him. And it didnt scare him.. It just made him consider things he's never considered before.

Sheldon groaned and with that turned them over, so that now she was underneath him... It felt so real now, unlike before. Before , he realized, there was this vague image of Amy.. He KNEW it was her with him, he knew it was HER on top of him , but something was off, there was no personality to her, just a vague shape... Now he could feel and see her one hundred percent... Just the way she was in real life. "Sheldon"... She was underneath him, clearly turned on, anticipating, passionate, and her voice was wavering... And at that moment he wanted her so much it was crazy. He's never felt like that before... So turned on, so... passionate? and so ready to actually do something physical... He looked at her face, at how she was shivering, and at that moment he wanted to get inside her so much it was insane... So he just lowered his head to her, and kissed her, pressing hard into her, sucking hard on her upper lip, while his body pressed hard against her body and he instinctively pushed even more, wanting even more contact... Amy moaned, and he moaned too. He realized - suprisingly - that he liked to moan... It released some bottled up tension so well. He gently put his tongue in her mouth... for the first time... and Amy let him , moaning lightly, and clutched his shoulders. He kept kissing her like that , for a minute or two, and he felt like he never wanted to stop... hearing her ragged breaths. But then he needed to breathe so he moved to her neck... Kissing it gently, mostly just to get a short break, but than he heard her moaning his name "oh god, Sheldon...", and the scientific curiosity got the best of him to know if that was indeed his tongue on her neck causing her to moan his name, so he kissed it again and then licked it, and she moaned the loudest he had heard her and said his name again, and then he realized he was doomed, he never wanted to stop... He looked her right in the eyes "Amy I want you"...

He woke up and for a moment couldn't figure out where he was . Everything felt so surreal. Time stood still... So quiet. He turned a bit in his bed, trying to get more comfortable. The images were flooding his brain. They were not letting go, they just kept getting brighter and more detailed. His breathing was still ragged. For the first time ever he actually wished Amy was there in his bed... Something felt incomlete without her. It just felt lonely.

"Well, - Sheldon thought, feeling doomed - "THAT is something new..."


End file.
